


and when the sun rises, you won't be in my arms

by sakusakym



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Sakusa Kiyoomi Copes with Grief, Suicide, Suicide Notes, eulogy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-15
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-23 11:21:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,281
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30054666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sakusakym/pseuds/sakusakym
Summary: "His future was written in my book. I could’ve done something.”
Relationships: Miya Atsumu/Sakusa Kiyoomi
Comments: 8
Kudos: 26





	and when the sun rises, you won't be in my arms

He never knew.

He never figured it out. But it was there in plain sight. How could he be so blind?

Sakusa Kiyoomi couldn’t even get himself to open the letter he left. Call him a coward, a chickenshit even, but he just… he couldn’t do it just yet. The pain was overbearing, and the amount of grief was almost too much to handle. Who would blame him? He had lost Miya Atsumu. His best friend, and the love of his life.

Osamu had told him Atsumu never really _showed_ who he was, even when growing up. Everything was masked in a facade that no one was able to get through. 

But he believed Sakusa was the only person that might have seen who the real Atsumu was. 

He wasn’t cocky (well, he was. But not _that_ much,) and he put his heart on his sleeve. He cared for others too much that he forgot to look after himself. He was absolutely selfless and full of love, but the world decided to give him pain and anguish. It gave him nothing but pain.

“Sakusa-san, I’m sorry for your loss.”

Kiyoomi snapped out his thoughts once he saw his co-workers walk in the wake’s venue, one of them holding a flower arrangement. “Oh. Um, please take a seat.”

What was he even supposed to say when people apologize for his loss? _It’s alright? Oh, I’m fine?_ He had no idea how to grasp the situation and honestly, the whole apologizing for his loss was getting tiresome. 

Once he seated his co-workers, he sat next to Osamu. “Aren’t you going to entertain them?” Osamu snickered to which Kiyoomi sighed. “I gave them something to drink. Isn’t that enough?”

The man laughed at his bitter tone before sighing. “Mom won’t stop crying, you know.” He stated before running a hand through his hair. “She wouldn’t stop even if we told her there’s nothing we can do. That we’re too late.” Osamu’s voice cracked at the end and Sakusa felt hurt. For the both of them. He might’ve lost his lover but Osamu lost his brother. _God_ , the damage that must’ve brought.

“We could’ve helped him.” Was all Kiyoomi was able to creak out before he heard Osamu sigh. “How could we have helped someone that never asked for anything? I should’ve known Tsumu was going through something.”

Kiyoomi placed his hand over Osamu’s shaking one and rubbed circles on it. He couldn’t do anything. He was helpless, stupidly so.

_______

_Omi-kun_

_There’s so much to say but also, I have nothing to share. That sounds stupid. Well. I’m writing this on the night you decided to surprise me with a romantic dinner, something you rarely do. Something you know is always appreciated. And I wish we could have more dinners like this in the future. But the future is bleak, and I doubt I’d be with you in it._

_I know what I’ve done (or what I’ll be doing,) is unexplainable. Unexpected, even. But Omi-kun… the pain I’ve been hoarding, the rope I’ve been walking on has gotten way too thin that I can’t anymore. There’s a lot of solutions for my problem, and I know this isn’t the wisest. But this seems like the only way I could breathe._

_Breathing takes up so much energy and I’m already so tired. Waking up feels like a neverending chore, and keeping myself in check has been tougher than ever. I know things like this, serious topics regarding myself should be discussed so we can solve it but Omi-kun… how can we possibly solve something that has caused me so much trouble ever since I was a child? I just can’t bear to burden you with this. I don’t want you to see something so ugly, something so hideous. You know me as Miya Atsumu. Confident, charming, and selfless. Your loving boyfriend. How can I even start to show you what I truly am?_

_I know I could’ve gotten help, asked to go seek answers from a professional and believe me I want to but… it’s a little too late now, isn’t it?_

_So. I’m sorry. This decision of mine is selfish. But I guess you can say I want to do something for myself before I go. I can only imagine how my death would affect you. My parents. Samu. I don’t even want to think about how you’d feel. I’m really sorry._

_Omi-kun, you’ve always been so kind to me. You’re the only person I felt I could show who I really am and you would still love me. Accept me. You wouldn’t judge me or push me away. Instead, you’d take care of me. Show me my worth and how my existence makes you whole. And for that, thank you. Thank you for showing me what love truly is and showing me that I am worth everything to you. Thank you for loving me back even if I’m quite difficult to love. Thank you for being the only person to see right through me, see through the forced smiles and painful laughs. Thank you for everything._

_I guess this is goodbye. I always wanted to be with you until my last breath and in a way, I kind of am. Don’t cry too much, alright? I don’t want you wallowing in your sadness for too long. Live for me. Live a life I could’ve had, and live a life you’re proud of living._

_I love you. And I will never stop loving you no matter what. In my other lifetimes, I promise I will find you._

_______

“Atsumu was… he was wonderful.”

Kiyoomi sighed before continuing, ignoring the tears brimming in his eyes.

“He was the type of person that wasn’t hard to love. He still isn’t.” he glanced at the closed casket. “He’s an enigma, of some sorts.”

“He could be unpredictable at times, and that made him charming, to be honest. No one could pull off spontaneity like him. He’s the type of person to give his all even in the smallest things and so it didn’t take long for me to love him.”

“Miya Atsumu brought so much color to our lives that somehow… we forgot to color his.”

Sakusa flipped the piece of paper he was reciting from and decided to stop relying on it and just--speak. Speak from his heart, like Atsumu would expect him to. “I loved him with every piece of my heart. And I love him still. And _god_ I wish I could’ve seen it earlier. I wish I could’ve helped him, I wish I brought color to his life and showed him how amazing his future was and it isn’t bleak or hopeless. It’s a life of… marriage.” he croaked, pulling out a velvet box of an engagement ring. “I was supposed to propose on the day he killed himself.”

Osamu was crying.

That was the first time he cried for his brother and Kiyoomi’s heart broke as he saw Miya’s family mourn for him. “His future was written in my book. I could’ve done something.”

“Miya Atsumu. There are so many things I want to tell you, and there’s so much we have yet to explore. Together. I wish that wherever you are, you’re happy. You can breathe now. You can rest. I love you.”

_______

He was buried on a sunny afternoon.

_______

He took deep breaths before stepping onto the ledge. _So this is what it felt,_ he thought before pushing his curls away from his face.

As he took a step forward, he smiled. 

“I’m coming home, Tsumu.”

_______

Sakusa Kiyoomi died 2 days after Miya Atsumu was buried. 

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading ^__^


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